9 Details On How To De-Escalate Conflict


  1. DO NOT TRY TO WIN THE ARGUMENT

  2. Seek to understand the nature of the conflict. You can win, and you’ll lose the war.

  3. TRY TO DECIDE UPON A COMMON GOAL FROM THE OUTSET

  4. Why are we having conflict? How can we avoid this in the future? What can we do differently? Do we have to part or can we work this out?

  5. THINK THE BEST ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON

  6. Instead of taking what was done against you as personal, imagine the person meant well but it just didn’t deliver well. Instead of deciding before discussion the person did it out of spite, or is out to get you, decide they had good intentions.

  7. IF THE TENSION GOES HIGHER, YOU GO LOWER.

  8. As it gets heated, you get calmer. Lower your speaking tone. Speak slower. Breathe deeper. Do not contribute to the flame burning hotter.

  9. BE CLEAR WITH YOUR INTENTIONS.

  10. Just because you’re calm doesn’t mean you have to be soft. Very clearly and calmly state your expectations (#2) and say what is a deal breaker for you. What hill are you willing to die on? What is super important to you that you cannot compromise on?

  11. DON’T BE EMOTIONAL WHEN YOU NEED TO BE LOGICAL

  12. Don’t cry, become animated, yell. Do all that in the car ride home. It makes you look weak and childish.

  13. DON’T GET INTO A FIGHT WITH A PIG

  14. They enjoy mud - you don’t

  15. INITIATE COMMUNICATIONS

  16. ‘Remember what we talked about’? How am I doing with that? Try to get to the root of issues before it builds up and explodes.

  17. CELEBRATE WINS

  18. ‘I like how I was able to express my problem with x and you didn’t make me feel uncomfortable bringing it up.

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